A Lesson

I put Chase to bed tonight and he cried and called for me for a long time. This doesn't usually happen, but the last two nights he has had a hard time going to sleep. I went in and out of the room a few times to comfort him, but we weren't getting anywhere. "Snuggle me, Mom." "Sing to me, Mom." "Talk to me, Mom." "I need help, Mom!" "I need milk, Mom." And on and on. I was torn over what to do. He's been a little under the weather, but not really sick. He acted pretty normally today, just a little bit less energetic. And I've snuggled him to sleep the last 2 nights, and I don't want it to become habit-forming for him. He's old enough now that he can tell what actions get him the results he wants and he knows how to manipulate my love for him sometimes. (It's not that hard to do...) So anyway, I was trying to give him comfort without giving in completely to snuggling him to sleep again, but he wasn't getting any closer to sleep and I was feeling...I'm not sure what, actually. Slightly exasperated thinking he was milking it, slightly guilty that I wasn't giving him what he wanted, and slightly unsure of myself and what to do. I was also wondering if Wayne was irritated with me for being too "soft" on him. I came out of the room for the 7th or 8th time and finally thought to ask Wayne, "What do you think I should do?" He said, "He doesn't usually do this, so if he wants you to snuggle him and you don't mind, I would snuggle him." I was honestly surprised at his answer, but relieved and grateful to hear his support of being "soft" tonight. It was just what I needed to help me realize that Chase wasn't just milking it, he was acting differently than he usually does, there was probably a reason for it, and he probably DID need some extra love and attention. Having Wayne notice it and say it out loud helped make it real to me, it gave me the perspective I needed, and gave me "permission" so to speak to just crawl in bed with Chase and snuggle him until he fell asleep. The mommy in me wanted to do that from the beginning, but the rational parent in me was concerned about forming a bad habit that would be difficult to break later, or teaching him that lots of crying would get him what he wanted in the end, or whatever other bad lesson might come from the situation. I hate those kinds of mental debates. Heart vs head. In situations outside of parenting, I think it is a much easier debate. Heart often wins, and for good reason. But in parenting, our hearts are SO in love with our little people that it blinds logic and reason at times. And it's not really a matter of heart vs head because head is a manifestation of heart -- it is because we love our children so much that we choose to listen to our heads over our hearts sometimes. Loving our children sometimes means being stronger than our emotions. There are times we have to suppress the mommy feelings and act on sound parental reasoning...but tonight was not one of those nights. Tonight I just needed to snuggle my little boy. Tonight I just needed to sing and sing and sing to him. Tonight I just needed to hold him and let him feel safe and warm and loved. Tonight I just needed to let him know I was on his side, and always will be. It was truly precious time with him that I am so glad I had. To Chase, this was just Mommy helping him feel better. But to me, it was an important lesson. I know reason and logic have their place, and I know that we have to rely on them to really show TRUE love for our children, even if that "true love" seems to contradict what "love" would do. But I never want to regret the stern choices that I make in the name of rational parenting. I don't want to look back and think, "I wish I would have just snuggled them to sleep more often. I wish I would have let them stay up late. I wish I would have let the Mommy in me win." There has to be balance, I know that. But I don't want to hold my kids at arm's length for the sake of rational parenting. I want to be their comforting hug, their warm milk, their soft landing, their safest place. I want them to feel love, first and foremost and above anything else they ever take away from our home. The debate will go on in a million different scenarios as my children grow. I don't know how I will know when to listen to my head and when to listen to my heart. But I do know what I want for my relationship with my children, and I learned tonight that it might mean being a "Mommy" more than a "parent".